


We Are (Not) Alone

by thecomedownchampion, Weak



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Multi, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-10 18:23:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecomedownchampion/pseuds/thecomedownchampion, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weak/pseuds/Weak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite Wille's best efforts, Nerv succeeded in manipulating Shinji Ikari into triggering the Fifth Impact. The Human Instrumentality Project ensued, but as he did in another life, Shinji rejected Instrumentality, and in the months following, humankind returned to their existences on Earth. But their time as one was not forgotten; everyone knows who Shinji Ikari is, and no one intends to forgive him for what he has done. He is living on borrowed time under government protection so that the world can have their answers, but after that his future is uncertain. He has no idea who is alive and who is dead, but the ghosts of Shinji's past will not fall silent so easily. </p><p>**Spoilers for Evangelion 3.33**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Monotony

**Author's Note:**

> Evangelion is pretty much my favourite thing ever and there are not enough fics of it. Decided to rectify that. There will be hints of multiple pairings, but I just listed the ones that will be most prominent.

The Human Instrumentality Project was always the end goal. Everything that had happened ever since the Second Impact was with this endpoint in mind. Defeating the Angels, the Evangelion project, Nerv; all with the intention of culminating in the complementation of human kind. Every human who devoted their lives to the cause were mere pawns with Gendo Ikari as the King and Unit 01 (Yui), the Queen. Yes, Shinji Ikari, the pilot of Unit 01, was _made_ for the sole purpose of bringing about the end of loneliness. It had truly been the perfect plot.

Or would have been, had Shinji not rejected Instrumentality; clung to his individuality like ivy to an ancient wall, fighting for life and sun.

In the months after, humans trickled back from the singular whole they had once been. The oceans were dead, full of LCL, and the surface of the Earth was ravaged. But hope remained. As a very wise soul once told Shinji, humans have a knack for adapting the world to their needs. It was a group effort, but within a year of the Fifth Impact, civilization was up and running once more. That person, Shinji thought, would likely have been very proud.

Despite the union of all mankind, questions remained and the people demanded answers. In the end, what choice did they have but to turn to the one person who nearly destroyed them all twice, and succeeded the third time: Shinji Ikari. Everyone knew who he was and what he had done. There was a high demand for the head of Gendo Ikari’s son.

Because of this, Shinji was moved from place to place often. As soon as one was formed, Shinji Ikari was under governmental protection as the prime witness of Nerv’s crimes, but that did not mean he was not considered a public enemy. No one cared that he had only been fourteen years old when he triggered the Fifth Impact (twenty-eight, if one counted the years he had been liquefied in the entry plug of Unit 01) and was only fifteen now (he appeared to have aged; perhaps the curse of Eva that Asuka had spoken of was now over due to the destruction of the units).

As a result, Shinji was under constant surveillance. The small apartment he was given contained a camera in every single room and the door was under constant guard. If Shinji went out, he was always accompanied by a military escort. He grew very used to the feeling of being watched very fast. It never became any less unpleasant. He had already experienced several assassination attempts.

The worst part must have been the uncertainty. Shinji had been taken into custody as soon as he was discovered, but he had been told nothing of the lives of those he cared about. He had no idea if Asuka had made it back, and if she had, whether or not she was still alive. He did not know the fates of Misato or Ritsuko. He was even concerned for Rei, even if she wasn’t _his_ Rei anymore.

He wasn’t completely alone though, depending on your definition. Every week, Shinji saw a psychiatrist. She was calm and quiet and never showed any hostility toward him. A year ago he would have even liked her. She prescribed pills to Shinji to help curb his social anxiety and the posttraumatic stress disorder. He would curl his fist around the small pills and only pretend to take them, hiding them in his pocket to covertly throw away later so that the camera would not see. He didn’t trust the pills. So many people wanted him dead, it would be easy for a pharmacist to slip poison into them after reading the name on the prescription. No one would blame him either; no one really wanted Shinji alive. His usefulness just hadn’t been exhausted yet.

Sometimes, Shinji wished it had. He would look at his bottle of pills and fantasize about swallowing all of them at once. That way, even if they hadn’t been poisoned, his death would be ensured. But no matter how much Shinji wanted to die, he could never try. Not with the cameras ever watching. Not with the collar around his neck, so like the DSS Choker, that monitored his vital signs. The moment any life-threatening instability was detected, it would trigger an alarm for an ambulance to be dispatched to his current location and to his guard on duty to perform first aid. Shinji could swallow all of the pills in the world and they would still never let him die until the world was finally done with him.

There were a few up sides to Shinji’s situation. His psychiatrist taught him some tricks for dealing with his panic attacks, and he had been given a cello. He could request sheets of music. After months of begging, Shinji was given a piano. He rarely played it though. It didn’t feel right when he ran his fingertips along the ivory keys. Something was missing. No. Some _one_ was missing. This piano was not meant to be played alone.

 

Though life for Shinji could never be called peaceful, it eventually adopted a sense of monotony; a familiar cadence day in and day out. In all truthfulness, Shinji was bored. When he wasn’t seeing his psychiatrist or being questioned (interrogated) by government agents, Shinji stayed at home. He was permitted to go out once a week to purchase groceries and spend time outside; humans are social creatures, and even government officials knew that human contact was important for maintaining health, even if it was acquired only in sparse amounts.

The first break in the monotony occurred one year, three months, and five days after Fifth Impact (yes, Shinji was keeping count) when he woke up to someone else laying down on his futon.

Shinji startled, about to yell, when a hand clamped over his mouth. His first instinct was to panic and lash out, but then a voice hissed in his ear, “Quiet, idiot Shinji!” and Shinji would know that voice anywhere.

He spun around, eyes wide, and there she was, angry and beautiful. The hand left his mouth and Shinji gasped, “Asuka!”

She punched him first. His vision exploded in starbursts of white and his cheek flared with pain.

“That’s for Fifth Impact!” Asuka rasped.

Before Shinji could regain his orientation, a pair of arms was wrapping around him tightly, like they would never let go.

“And that’s for bringing us back.” Her voice was soft now, and Shinji let himself melt in Asuka’s arms. It had been so long since he’d been held.

They laid down then. They didn’t speak anymore, for there was nothing left to be said. Part of Shinji yearned to know where Asuka had been for the last year. When had she come back? What had she been doing since then? Did people want to kill her too? But for now, at least, he was just content with her presence. Her blue eye was closed and her long, red hair tickled Shinji’s face. He didn’t mind; the irritant was just further proof that she was here. It seemed that Asuka was just content with Shinji being here too. After everything that had happened, Shinji would have sworn Asuka hated him just like everyone else.

After all, it seemed that Asuka had been just as lonely as him. 


	2. Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Asuka has found Shinji, the two of them begin their search for Misato Katsuragi.

When morning came, Shinji thought that he had merely dreamed up Asuka’s appearance in his room. Never had he been gladder to be wrong than when he sighed and started to stretch, only to find that a pair of knees was knocking against his own and there were arms locked around his waist. He opened his eyes and smiled when he saw the face inches from his own.

Asuka looked better when she was asleep, Shinji thought. Her features were relaxed and peaceful. Her intensity was what made Asuka who she is, but this was nice; Shinji didn’t have to anticipate her fearsome determination. He was free to examine Asuka’s face like this. It seemed she had aged in the last year too. She looked a little more mature, her face a little thinner and more defined. He was glad.

Shinji suddenly felt the urge to touch Asuka’s cheek, allowing his hand to hover just over her face when a blue eye suddenly opened and glared at him.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing!” Shinji withdrew his hand, looking away shyly. Asuka’s arms retracted from Shinji’s waist as she rolled onto her back. There was a moment of silence before Asuka finally spoke.

“I woke up in Germany… after what happened,” she said. “I have an uncle, you know. I’ve been staying with him all this time. The government has been watching out for us. No one hates me nearly as much as they hate you, but that doesn’t mean I have any less notoriety as a previous Eva pilot. There are always nosy people who want to know everything. I’ve been questioned a number of times about everything that happened. I’m willing to bet that they’ve been harassing you too.”

Shinji nodded. “Do you know if anyone else…?”

Asuka shook her head. “No. I only knew you were alive when I heard a radio broadcast talking about Nerv; that’s all they ever talk about these days. That’s why I came to Japan. I’m actually surprised no one has assassinated you yet.”

Shinji winced. “Not for lack of trying…”

“Hmph! You’ve been lucky.”

“Yeah.” Shinji didn’t feel lucky, but he decided not to say that. “Do you think Misato made it back?”

“Of course!” Asuka exclaimed, as if it should be obvious. “She’s one of the very people who fought the hardest against Nerv! There’s no way she would let them win.”

Shinji smiled a little. “I suppose not. What about Mari?”

“Four-eyes? I doubt she would die even if she was killed!”

“Ayanami?”

Asuka paused this time. “Probably not. The Commander’s Pet was part Angel; she never really belonged here in the first place.”

Shinji’s heart sank. “So I guess that means Kaworu…”

“Who?”

“Never mind… I guess you wouldn’t have really known him…”

Asuka propped herself up on one elbow to look over at Shinji. “You mean Seele’s Pet? The boy you piloted Eva Unit 13 with?”

Shinji felt a lump in his throat. He thought of the piano, mostly untouched, that sat in the living room, waiting for a person who would likely never come. “Yeah… him…”

Asuka looked off to the side, making an annoyed face. “It was your own fault, you know; what happened to him. If you’d just listened to us—“

“ _I know!_ ”

Asuka startled, looking at Shinji again. His dark blue eyes were downcast and his eyebrows drawn together. He was shaking a little.

“I know it’s my fault,” he said softly. “I wish things had gone differently…”

 Asuka sighed. “Well there’s no use in worrying about it now. No one can change the past.” She gave Shinji an accusatory glance, but he wasn’t watching her.

“Are you hungry?” asked Shinji.

“It’s about time you asked.”

 

One of the things Asuka had missed the most in the last fifteen years was Shinji’s cooking. It made her feel faintly nostalgic as she watched him work at the stove in his apron. She smiled faintly; those were happier times. She remembered bickering with him for the sake of banter, and eating lunch with Hikari at school. She remembered the trip with Kaji and their classmates to the ocean wildlife preserve.

“It feels like before, doesn’t it?” said Shinji.

Asuka started, kicking her feet absently beneath the table. So he was thinking the same thing.

“All that’s missing is Misato and Penpen. Do you think…?” He paused. “Do you think we’ll ever get that back?”

“The penguin died in Third Impact, you idiot,” Asuka snapped. When Shinji winced, she softened her voice a little. “If we find Misato, she might want to stay with us though.”

“With _us?_ ”

“Of course _‘us’_ , you dumbass. Why did you think I came back to Japan?”

A smile broke out across Shinji’s face and he looked back at Asuka. “There’s only one bedroom in my apartment though…”

“Do you have any next door neighbours?”

“No…”

“Wrong! You have me!” Asuka stood from her chair, hands on her hips.

Shinji stared at Asuka in awe; she was a little older, a lot more experienced, but the Asuka he knew was inside her after all. She looked at him now through her one eye, blazing with confidence.

“You’re amazing,” Shinji said shyly.

“I know. After we eat, we’re going to find Misato,” said Asuka.

“Okay.”

Asuka practically moaned when she took the first bite of omelette; Shinji’s cooking was as delicious as it had always been, if not better.

 

Finding Misato was not as easy as Asuka had anticipated. The telephone system was still fairly sketchy, and sketchier still at the mention of anyone directly involved in the Fifth Impact. The internet wasn’t back online either, so it wasn’t as if she and Shinji could search through the news and forums about any sightings of Wille’s captain.

In the meantime, Asuka moved into the apartment next to Shinji’s. Shinji was forced to help her move her things in, and then Asuka spent most of her time invading Shinji’s living space anyway. She was as overbearing as always, but Shinji didn’t mind. He knew that secretly, Asuka just craved the company of a familiar face.

Shinji’s bodyguard was pissed about Asuka, to say the least. The fact that she had been able to sneak into Shinji’s apartment without his notice was already a source of hurt pride, and so he was very reluctant to authorize Asuka to live near Shinji. Shinji would have bet money that in the end, it took the word of one of his superiors to finally allow Asuka to move in and visit Shinji as she pleased, though it was probably only out of convenience so that the government could keep a close eye on both of them at the same time.

The entire process of gaining approval and then finally settling Asuka in took nearly a month. Whenever there was a moment to spare, they would listen to the radio in hopes of hearing news about Nerv and Wille survivors. None was forthcoming.

Shinji sighed. “Asuka, do you have anything else to add to the grocery list?”

“Bring me back some coconut bread,” said Asuka.

“You never save any for me.”

“That’s your own fault! If you would just eat it, you wouldn’t have to worry about me eating all of it.”

Shinji smiled a little to himself and went to the door to put on his shoes before Asuka could see. “Keep an ear out for Misato, will you? I’ll be home soon.”

Asuka waved a hand dismissively.

A guard remained stationed at the apartment to look out for Asuka while Shinji went downtown to the market, accompanied by two men. By now, Shinji was used to being shadowed by them and to the odd looks he received; whether the looks were for his company or for him made no real difference in the long-run. Shinji purchased some eggs, cabbage, radishes, nori, and some artificial crab meat first. He checked his list and picked up two cartons of milk, a carton of juice, and some soda (the latter of which was by Asuka’s request).

Despite the presence of the bodyguards, Shinji enjoyed grocery shopping. It was mundane in a good way, evoking a sense of normalcy and familiarity in Shinji. In general, he found it calming. Funnily enough, he sometimes thought it was even more comforting than his psychiatrist, though he would never say that. Not even to Asuka; she would probably just make fun of him.

At the last minute, Shinji remembered Asuka’s request for coconut bread and went to the bakery. One guard stationed himself outside of the bakery while the other accompanied Shinji inside the building. He vaguely recognized the girl at the counter from Fifth Impact as he made his order. She lost her brother in Fourth Impact. Shinji shrunk in on himself a little unconsciously. Nevertheless, the girl started to put the round buns into a bag for Shinji. As he waited, he couldn’t help but to overhear a conversation between two patrons nearby.

“Are you sure it was her?” asked one man.

“There was no mistaking it! It was definitely Katsuragi.”

Shinji perked up, suddenly listening very intently.

“She’s a pretty high-profile woman. It could have been someone else imitating her hairstyle.”

“No way. It was her; I would bet my _life_ on it.”

Shinji turned to the men. “Where?”

They traded looks before facing Shinji. “Where’s what, kid?” asked the second man.

“Misato! Where did you see her?” Shinji’s heart thudded in his chest.

“What’s it to you?”

“Well, would you look at that? He’s one of her fanboys, isn’t he?” said the first man, nudging his friend.

“No! Please, sir, tell me where you saw Misato.” Shinji looked borderline desperate.

“Woah, speaking pretty familiar there. Do you even know her?”

The second man raised his hand to get his friend to settle down, frowning at Shinji. “Who are you, kid? I feel like I’ve seen you around.”

_Oh no,_ thought Shinji. They must recognize him from the news or Fifth Impact.

“I’m no one,” said Shinji. “But Misato was… a family friend.”

“Wait; I know who you are. You’re the Ikari kid.”

The first man looked at his friend, incredulous. “ _This_ is the Ikari kid? I thought he was almost thirty.”

“No, no. There was that whole ‘eternal youth’ thing, remember? Something to do with piloting Eva. I think it was all the exposure to the LCL or something…”

Shinji’s body guard suddenly grabbed his arm and began to pull him out of the bakery. By the time Shinji had enough of a mind to put up a fight, they were already outside of the building.

“What about the coconut—?”

The guard held up the bag and handed it to Shinji.

“Why did you pull me out of there?” asked Shinji, holding the grocery bags to himself.

“Because in about five seconds, someone was going to get pissed and then we’d have a scene on our hands. It is my job as your guard to keep you from getting your face punched in.”

Shinji mumbled, “I was going to find out about Misato…”

“You should give up,” said the guard. “It is not within your best interest to see Misato Katsuragi.”

Shinji looked up at him with a jolt. “You know where Misato is?!”

“My _superior_ knows where Katsuragi is.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

The other guard cut in at this point. “Mr. Ikari, due to highly relevant circumstances, it is very likely that Ms. Katsuragi is a security threat.”

“A security threat? To whom?”

“To you, Shinji Ikari. As you may recall, you initiated the Human Instrumentality Project in direct confrontation with Katsuragi’s goals. She is a _threat_ to you.”

Shinji took a step back, staring at the guard in disbelief. “Misato wouldn’t kill me. I _know_ her, and she definitely wouldn’t kill me.”

“Can you insure that?”

“Yes!” She had the chance before; Shinji thought about when he first woke up after fourteen years and Rei was going to take him back to Nerv with Unit 09. Misato had pointed the DSS remote at him, threatening to press the button that would end his life. She didn’t do it. And when Asuka brought him back to the Wunder after starting Fourth Impact, Misato still couldn’t do it.

“Well my _employer_ can’t, and he’s the one who makes the calls,” said the guard.

“You’ve been controlling what information Asuka and I receive, haven’t you?” Shinji’s hands curled into fists around the bags in his arms.

“Yes.”

Shinji stared hard at the ground, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes to calm himself. “Let’s go home.”

 

Asuka took the bag of coconut bread from him as soon as he stepped in the door, making a delighted exclamation when she peeked inside and saw that Shinji had bought a dozen. He didn’t have the heart to tell her how close he had been to finding Misato, only to be thwarted at the last second.

However, he later sat with Asuka in the living room and leaned toward her to murmur, “They’re controlling what information we receive.”

“The government agents?” Asuka looked up at Shinji seriously and he nodded.

“They think it will be dangerous for me to see Misato.”

Asuka snorted. “She had plenty of opportunities to kill you when you were actually a threat, and she never did. Why would she now?”  

“Those are my thoughts exactly,” said Shinji.

“What if I went out to find information on my own? I’m sure I’d get a lot more done without you distracting me.”

Shinji shook his head. “They know that we’re actively searching for her. There’s no way they’d let you get any information since you would pass it along to me anyway.”

Asuka huffed. “I should have known that getting stuck with you would bring me out of the loop. You’re always so clueless.”

“I wonder why?” Shinji gave Asuka a bland look, sarcasm bleeding into his voice.

Asuka rolled her eyes. “You’re such a drama queen.”

Shinji decided not to mention some key moments when he had desperately needed exposition and received none, much to the detriment of humankind’s already dismal situation. 


	3. Found

Asuka took the revelation of the government agents concealing information from them in stride; in fact, she said it was more fun this way.

“If it wasn’t a challenge, the reward wouldn’t be nearly as sweet,” she told Shinji.

Asuka’s determination inspired Shinji to try even harder. Whenever he went out, Shinji made an effort to talk to strangers, something he had never done before. On a regular basis, Shinji tried to avoid talking to strangers at all costs, but before he hadn’t had a reason to. He tried to direct the conversation toward Wille and Nerv despite the anxiety that bubbled up as the risk of recognition increased. When he got impatient, he would casually mention Misato’s name in hopes that someone would mention seeing her around.

Shinji could tell that his actions infuriated his body guards. Shinji had learned fast in the early days that the guards could only intervene when it seemed like he was in imminent danger. Striking up conversation about a topic the agency disapproved of, unfortunately, was not grounds for removing Shinji from the situation.

Shinji picked up bits and pieces from his socialization, but never anything concrete. Two months after Asuka began living as his next door neighbour, Shinji devised a plan.

At his next appointment with his psychiatrist, he put on a show. He began to breathe heavily and shake, imitating one of his panic attacks (which had grown less frequent ever since Asuka had been living in Japan). He insisted that he _needed_ Misato. He bemoaned how much he missed her and how badly he needed closure. He made himself cry about Third, Fourth, and Fifth Impact, spilling out his very real regrets. It started as an act, but once Shinji began to tear down the mental barriers that kept him stable, the rest came naturally and his breakdown became genuine.

Between the screaming and crying, Shinji felt very humiliated about it all. He would never tell Asuka about this. But in the end it was worth it. His psychiatrist sent in a recommendation to the agency that Shinji should visit Misato, and it was approved. Of course, Asuka came along when he was brought to the apartment complex Misato was living in. He wasn’t all that surprised to see that she lived on the opposite end of Tokyo-4. When they arrived, Shinji’s and Asuka’s two guards spoke to the guard stationed outside of Misato’s apartment and they agreed that they would each be allotted time to see Misato on their own with a guard present. Shinji was first. Misato’s guard opened the door to the apartment and Shinji stepped inside cautiously, followed by his guard.

At first, Shinji was utterly shocked. When he had lived with Misato fifteen years ago, her home had been in a state of perpetual disarray. This was in stark contrast with how Misato’s apartment was now. Everything was in immaculate order and it almost seemed barren. Misato had few belongings. Misato sat in her living room with her arms crossed, staring at Shinji through hard eyes. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail with her bangs pinned to the side, and she was dressed in black pants and a form-fitting tank-top. Shinji blushed with embarrassment and stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie; what did you say to the woman who was once your guardian and now probably hated your guts?

It turned out that Shinji didn’t have to say anything. Misato stood suddenly and began to walk toward Shinji with a purpose. His guard started to reach for his sidearm, anticipating an attack. No one expected Misato to grab Shinji harshly by his ears and pull him in for a brief, but hard, kiss.

“You’re an idiot, Shinji,” said Misato as she pulled back.

Shinji blinked up at her, completely baffled and face burning.

“You’ve grown.” Misato fixed Shinji’s hair absently and he finally found his words.

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I’m still alive,” said Misato, and Shinji suddenly thought of how Asuka had greeted him when she first snuck into his apartment.

Minutes later, Shinji and Misato were lying on the living room floor and just talking. Shinji told her everything that had happened to him in the last year; the assassination attempts, the loneliness, Asuka, and searching for her. In return, Misato told Shinji about her last year.

“I haven’t required such intensive monitoring as you, but sometimes I wish I did. The media has been playing me out to be some kind of tragic hero.” Misato scoffed. “My life may not be threatened every time I go out, but being an international celebrity for my ‘heroic’ struggle and subsequent failure has not been much of a pleasant way to spend my early retirement.” She sighed. “Sometimes I wish I could just fade into obscurity.”

Shinji smiled a little. “Me too.” After a moment, he looked to the side, hesitating before speaking. “Do you hate me, Misato?”

Misato paused, voice lowering. “I tried to. It would be far easier if I did.”

“But…?”

“But I can’t. God knows you have given me more than enough reason to, but I can’t hate you, Shinji Ikari.”

Shinji sighed in relief, feeling emotion welling up inside of him. “Thank you, Misato.” He turned to her, smiling. He blushed a little. “Would you like to live with me and Asuka? Well, Asuka and I don’t technically live together; she’s just my neighbour. But you could live on the other side of my apartment and then we could all be together just like fifteen years ago!” He grew excited as he continued to describe the living situation.

Misato smiled. “You really haven’t changed at all, have you, Shinji? Despite everything that has happened, you’re still you.”

He felt warm in his chest. “Please; say you’ll stay with us?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to get authorization to do so,” said Misato, “but if I can, then I will. I will promise you that.”

Shinji suddenly faltered. “Are you sure you will be okay with that though? I mean…”

“Eva doesn’t exist anymore. You are no longer a threat to anyone. You have done terrible things, Shinji, but…” she sighed. “It’s over now, and I don’t have the will to bother holding a grudge against a child.”

“Thank you, Misato.”

 

Misato moved in two weeks later. Shinji hoped that things could go back to the way they were before, but his expectations were embarrassingly unrealistic. Misato had changed. She was quieter and she smiled less. Sometimes she would sit by the window and sip at her beer somberly, reminiscing about the past. She had been hardened over the years. Sometimes, fragments of the old Misato slipped out; like during the first meal she shared with Shinji and Asuka.

The guards were uncomfortable with Misato’s presence so close to Shinji. For the first week, a guard always stayed in Shinji’s apartment when Misato was over just to make sure she didn’t try anything. Asuka thought it was stupid, but even if it made him uncomfortable, Shinji understood the reasoning for it.

Though the circumstances were not exactly ideal, they fell into step together, becoming their own broken, mildly dysfunctional family. It wasn’t perfect, but it made Shinji feel a little more whole; a little more needed and cared for.

Change came once again when an unfamiliar agent knocked on Shinji’s door.

“Shinji Ikari, would you come with me please?” asked the agent.

Shinji frowned. The agent was wearing dark sunglasses and a nondescript suit. He turned to his guard, who nodded to let Shinji know that it was okay. “Who are you?” Shinji asked.

“My name is Agent Yamagishi,” said the stranger.

Shinji’s guard piped in, “Agent Yamagishi is a colleague of my superior, Agent Mochizuki. You know Agent Mochizuki.”

Shinji did know him. He was one of the men who questioned him from time to time. “What did you want?” asked Shinji with a frown.

“For the first time in four months, someone has appeared from the ocean of LCL,” said Agent Yamagishi.

“What makes you think I would recognize them?”

“We have our suspicions, but you’ll see.”

Shinji and his body guard were ushered to Yamagishi’s car then. Shinji leaned against the car door as Yamagishi drove, looking out the window at the city. In many ways, Tokyo-4 was completely unlike the Tokyo-3 that Shinji remembered. Now that all of the Angels were gone, there was no need for the city to be built as a fortress.

The drive to the hospital took about twenty minutes, and Shinji was glad to get out of the car and stretch his legs after Yamagishi parked the vehicle. His guard stood close by, though he didn’t seem as alert as usual. Shinji supposed it was because they were right outside of the hospital; even if someone chose to shoot Shinji right now, he would receive medical attention immediately. Yamagishi led them into the building, passing doctors and nurses without a word; they must have been expecting the arrival. They took an elevator up to the second floor, and then Yamagishi brought them to a small observation booth adjacent to a quarantined hospital room. The booth must have been for doctors to look in on the patient without risking contamination. Inside the booth, Yamagishi turned to Shinji.

“Do you recognize the person in that bed, Ikari?” asked Yamagishi.

Shinji turned toward the window of the booth, feeling a little awkward about looking in on a patient, but as soon as he saw the patient’s face, his breath caught in his throat and he swore his heart stopped.

The boy in the hospital bed looked emaciated, cheekbones too prominent and the joints of his elbows too knobby. His skin was pale, pale, pale and his shaggy hair was silver.

Shinji covered his mouth with his hands and he didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt wetness on his cheeks. He wanted to scream, and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to run to the boy or as far away as possible. His knees were shaking. He felt sick with a mix of guilt and elation because he was _alive._ It should have been impossible, but he was _alive._

“Who is that boy, Ikari?” asked Yamagishi, though Shinji was sure that the agent already knew.

“It’s Kaworu,” choked out Shinji. “It’s _Kaworu_ …” He said the name like a prayer, and he wasn’t even sure what he was praying for. 


	4. Rebuild

Agent Yamagishi handed Shinji a paper cup of water and he took it gratefully, sipping at it as he finally began to regain control of himself. His sobs had quieted to hiccups by now, and he sat on a cheap fold-up chair in the observation room.

“So if I am correct, then this boy is the Fifth Child from Seele; is that right?” asked Yamagishi.

Shinji nodded, taking deep breaths to calm himself. His voice was thick as he spoke. “Yes. Kaworu Nagisa.” Shinji looked out through the window again, examining Kaworu more carefully now that the initial shock was almost over. There was an IV in Kaworu’s arm, and where his skin wasn’t pale and ghostly, it was angry red with sunburn. His face was gaunt and his arms looked too thin. He wasn’t conscious. “How long has he been here?” asked Shinji.

“This is Nagisa’s second day in the hospital,” said Yamagishi. “But he must have recovered from the LCL at least two weeks ago, judging by the extent of his malnutrition and the sunburns. He was also quite dehydrated when he was found. It is likely that he woke on the coast and wandered into the ruins of Tokyo-3 in search of help.”

Shinji swallowed. Two weeks… Two weeks all alone just searching for someone, anyone to save him. “Why is he in quarantine?” he decided to ask as a distraction.

“Are you aware, Ikari, that Kaworu Nagisa was an Angel?” asked Yamagishi.

Shinji was about to deny it, but then he vaguely recalled Kaworu saying something about him being the first Angel… or was it the thirteenth Angel? “S-somewhat…”

“We are currently analyzing a sample of his DNA to rule out the reappearance of Angels. There shouldn’t be any more, but we want to be positive before we assure anyone’s safety or sound the alarm.”

Shinji turned to Yamagishi, eyebrows furrowed. “What if Kaworu _is_ an angel? What will you do?”

“We will have no choice but to remove the threat.”

“ _’Remove the threat’?!_ But you can’t! It’s _Kaworu!_ He doesn’t want to hurt anyone!” He couldn’t lose Kaworu again, not so soon after finally getting him back. _We will meet again._ Kaworu hadn’t lied. He’d kept his promise.

“We will do what we must to keep this country and the world safe.”

Shinji bit his lip, looking out the window at Kaworu where he was laying so helplessly.

“Would you like to go in and see him?” asked Yamagishi.

Shinji had already opened his mouth to say yes before he stopped himself. What if Kaworu hated him now? It was all his fault that Kaworu had died in the first place. He hadn’t listened, and then Kaworu had to pay the price for him after everything he had already done for Shinji. He was so selfish. It was selfish to even want to see Kaworu now. How could he even face him after all that he’d done? He didn’t deserve to be anywhere near Kaworu. Shinji dropped his eyes to the floor, shaking his head as he said, “No,” in a small voice.

“Then we are done here.”

Yamagishi gestured for Shinji and his guard to exit the observation room before he led them back out to the car.

 

Consciousness came back slowly, dragging him up through the layers of darkness like a shipwreck being dragged to the surface from the ocean floor.

_What is my name?_

Tabris.

_No. What is my name?_

Kaworu Nagisa.

_Who am I?_

Kaworu Nagisa.

_Why am I here?_

A face flooded into the forefront of his mind and he wanted to bolt up and shout, but all that he managed was to twitch his hand and rasp out, “Shinji!”

His eyes opened. There was a mechanical beeping noise; his mind supplied that it was a heart monitor. He couldn’t recognize where he was. He knew it was some kind of hospital, but the room did not look familiar to him. He looked down at the IV in his arm and considered ripping it out.

“Ah, Nagisa, you’re awake.” A nurse entered the room and went over to him, touching his forehead briefly before she began to fasten a cuff around his upper arm to take his blood pressure. He watched numbly.

“What is this for?” he asked weakly, indicating the IV.

“You were very dehydrated and malnourished when you were found, so we’re just giving you some fluid and glucose to help replenish your body,” said the nurse. “Can you tell me who this is?” The nurse held up a screen and he saw a sunburnt face with red eyes and grey hair.

“Me.”

“Good.” The nurse recorded something on her clipboard. “Do you know where you are?”

“A hospital.”

She made another recording before getting a little penlight out of her pocket and shining it in his eyes to make sure they dilate properly. “Who is Shinji?”

The face entered his thoughts again; short, dark hair and deep grey-blue eyes filled with insecurity. He tried to place memories to the face: words they’d spoken, times they’d shared. He found none, but all the same he knew that this was someone precious to him. “He is important to me,” he said.

“Would you like to have someone locate him for you?” asked the nurse.

“Please.” Maybe then his memories would come back.

“Can you tell me his last name?”

“Ikari.”

The nurse fumbled her clipboard, looking at him with shock. “You mean _the_ Shinji Ikari?”

“Is he notorious for something?”

The nurse laughed nervously. “The entire world knows Shinji Ikari.”

He pondered that statement. Something pressed against his mind from the fringes of his consciousness, but it couldn’t quite breach the barrier. Whatever it was, he was sure that it would solve all of these mysteries, acting like a glue to bring together his fractured memories. “I want to see him,” he said.

The nurse promised that she would try, but she warned him that it may not be easy. He didn’t mind, as long as he got to see Shinji. He wanted to see this person who felt so special to him, and he wanted to remember. The earliest thing he could recall was waking on a blood red beach.

 

Kaworu was awake. Kaworu was awake and wanted to see _him_. Shinji avoided the subject like the plague. Why would Kaworu want to see _him?_ He should be the last person Kaworu would want to see.

He managed to evade it for the first week, but after Asuka caught wind of it, the jig was up.  
“You’re just being a cowardly brat!” said Asuka.

“But what if I go see him and he hates me now?” said Shinji.

“If you’re so scared of him rejecting you, then go apologize, you idiot!”

Shinji wished it was that easy. How do you speak to someone after you caused their death? You don’t just apologize and become best friends afterward. That’s not how it worked with Asuka and Misato, and he hadn’t even directly _killed_ them.

It was Misato who finally gave Shinji the push to go see Kaworu.

“Remember what I said to you fifteen years ago, Shinji? You mustn’t run away,” said Misato. “Not from your past and not from this boy.”

Shinji looked at Misato pleadingly, but the old mantra came back to him unbidden. Misato was right; there was nothing he could do for it. He could not keep running away.

 

Yamagishi was the one who picked up Shinji and his body guard again. Shinji hesitated by the car, wondering if he should purchase a simple bouquet of flowers for Kaworu before going to the hospital. Friends gave each other flowers when they were unwell, right? Would that be an appropriate gift for Kaworu? Or maybe it would be more appropriate to give Kaworu a potted flower; a bouquet would only survive for a week in water.

“Ikari, are we going?” asked his body guard.

Shinji jumped in surprise and got into the passenger seat, flustered. He decided to forego the flowers. Kaworu would probably hate any gift coming from him anyway.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take stretch on endlessly. Shinji would have thought that would be a good thing; it meant it would feel like longer before he had to face Kaworu. But in reality, it just meant more time for Shinji to ruminate on it and work up his nerves. By the time Yamagishi was pulling into the parking lot, Shinji was taking deep, controlled breaths to keep himself calm, just like his psychiatrist had taught him to. He had to make sure he didn’t start hyperventilating.

Shinji felt a little numb as Yamagishi led them through the halls of the hospital once more. This was it. There was no turning back now. They were at the door and Yamagishi held it open for Shinji and his guard to enter. Shinji wished he could go in alone, but that was out of the question. Shinji took a deep breath and walked into the room.

“I have been waiting for you, Shinji Ikari,” said Kaworu in his soft lilt. He had the same serene smile on his face that he had worn in life.

Shinji paused, a rush of shyness overcoming him before he forced himself to go over to sit in in the chair next to Kaworu’s bed. “You look a lot better,” said Shinji. It was true. The sunburns were almost completely healed and though he was still far skinnier than Shinji remembered, Kaworu no longer looked like he was on death’s doorstep. His cheeks were fuller and the joints in his arms were less prominent.

“You saw me before?” asked Kaworu.

Dammit. “Yes,” said Shinji. “I was the one who identified you. You were still unconscious then.”

Kaworu examined Shinji’s face with a slightly dazzled expression, like he was seeing it for the first time. His smile widened. “It looks even better in reality.”

“What does?” asked Shinji.

“You do. Or your face does, I should specify. It has been on my mind for a while now, Shinji.”

Shinji felt his face heat up with embarrassment. What the hell was Kaworu talking about? “Why are you acting so strangely, Kaworu? Is it because of what happened before?” Shinji swallowed. “I… I wanted to apologize for that, by the way. I know that no apology will ever be enough, but I am sorry all the same. I should have listened to you, and because I didn’t, you…” He choked up then. “I’m so sorry! I should have listened!”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Shinji froze. “What?”

Kaworu gave Shinji a sad smile. “I cannot remember.”

“What can’t you remember?”

“Anything. The first thing I can recall is waking up after Fifth Impact. All I know of from before then is your name and your face.”

Shinji didn’t know if he should consider it a blessing or cry. Kaworu didn’t remember that Shinji had caused his death, but he didn’t remember the time they had spent together either.

“I was hoping that seeing you might help me regain my memories,” Kaworu continued.

“That… may not be the best idea,” said Shinji. “Your memories are not exactly good ones.”

“Even painful memories are worth knowing. They make us who we are.”

Shinji couldn’t help a small smile then; with or without his memories, Kaworu was still the same as always. He had missed him dearly.

“Tell me about the first time we met,” said Kaworu.

This was a story Shinji didn’t mind telling. “The first time I saw you was at Nerv headquarters almost two years ago. You know about Nerv, right?”

Kaworu nodded. “Yes. I have read a lot about this world since I woke up, and I believe I saw it while I was wandering the ruins of Tokyo-3.”

Shinji closed his eyes, picturing the scene in his head. He was amazed at how easily it came. “It was in one of the old Eva holding bays. The roof was long-since gone, and there was a piano on the floor with a tree that had sprouted and grown next to it. The entire bay used to be filled with LCL and there was a catwalk above it. That’s where I was with Ayanami. She was leading me to see my father. As we were walking across the catwalk though, I heard someone playing the piano. I went to the edge to see who it was, and it was you. Your eyes were closed, but as you struck the last chord, you opened them and smiled up at me. That was the first time I ever saw you.”    


End file.
